there's a spider in the house.

feeling a little better today. the family comes tomorrow, meet with susan on thursday, laurie comes home on saturday, robin on sunday, and on monday the project will be over. there is hope on the horizon. why is it that on the very most stressful week my best friend has to be in the carribbean? i know i was in afghanistan when she was having heart problems, but honestly.

it's funny to me how much more the unfiltered inner voice this blog is. before when i have blogged, it has always been more the writer *in* me or the preacher in me talking... me writing about how i feel or composing or whatever. because of what and how my life is right now, this is just the straight up deal and i use names and everything. and that's how it is. i had to get away from my previous blog, both because i had enough former youth group kids on livejournal and because of the situation i got into with trey. i am *all* about being one unified person and to be willing and able to say the same thing in front of everyone - but there are some things i don't talk about in front of my teenagers.

i need to apologize to melissa for being so stressed about the project. i have been so hurt by the way she has spoken to me and how poorly in some ways all this stuff has been handled, and i haven't been mean but i have let her know how i felt, and not very openly. i was moved to talk to amy about how you see a woman's real character in labor and how she responds in grace and peacefulness... or does she just scream? i don't want to be a screamer. and sometimes it happens, for sure - but i want the situation to bring out my grace, more of it the harder the situation - not to bring out my weakness.

it blessed me to hang with erin this morning. she is having a very similar roommate situation as i am, and it helped me to hear her and to know i am not a reject or a lousy christian or a failure just because i can't handle rachel. she also told me that stacy has panic attacks and was on medication for a while - which also super encouraged me. i need to call her and just hear about someone else's story. if there was one word from god today it was there is not something wrong with you and you are not that weird.

okay. have to work on the project now. there is a people movement waiting to happen in indonesia and a nation yearning to praise the living god.