please close the door behind you.

i think that my insurance company finally paid my doctor bill, which is a wonderful thing. i have not an extra $500 for them... and that was a terrible doctor experience anyway. try explaining why you fast to someone who doesn't get it and thinks you are probably in a religious cult for it. i am like, my goodness, it is in the bible, and lots of people juice fast or water fast all the time, it was just a few days, and anyway haven't you heard of RAMADAN? money fear is about to infect my house, i know kiva and liz are very worried about it. and rachel sometimes is, her money perspective is all her own. i have a new job that i will start in august that i don't even know how much money i will make at. how weird is that? i know what the current girl makes, so maybe that will be the minimum for it...

haven't talked to bryan in a couple of days and am a little sad for it but not all that worried. honestly, in my current state of unreality, the last thing i could handle is having a fake or inane conversation with him, whom i love very much and care very much about his life. and the second to the last thing i can handle is the propaganda about why rachel is the best thing for me right now. it just breaks my heart to listen to. and there is so much he doesn't know. i wish so much it had not ended up like this. but that's the wrong way to put it, because it is really not like it is the result of certain events... this is just the uncovering, the deepening, and in the end we see the results of the choices that we made...

okay. it is time to get it together and go down to the library and get it going on the project. i know that susan says that my leadership challenge will be to not do the whole thing for them but to challenge them to do it for themselves. thanks, s, a leadership challenge is for sure not what i need at this moment... but we'll see what we can do.