sometimes you preach yourself out of it.

i need to stop.

if there is anything i am convinced of tonight, it is that i take too much shit all the time. and that the internal level of pressure in my being is way higher than it needs to be. what is this thing in me, god? what is it that i am serving, that i am needing, that i am holding on to? please show me. i need to know. because this has to stop. especially with melissa, because i want to work with her in a healthy and lifegiving way, and this just will never be that way. i attract right now several people with very strong personalities who are very hurtful. what is it in me that needs them to be like that?

i felt a little better today when i hung out with dixon and kristin and holly. they bless me so much - if only that they know me, and they love me without reservation. i forget how lifegiving that is to see. i ate some pizza at hfn and i actually think i will sleep, both of which are steps in the right direction. the guy who taught class is great, a fuller professor of islamic studies, my favorite moment was thinking about folk religion and how you address folk islam and folk christianity and piecing together the gospel to the felt needs of animistic practice. sounds crazy but it really isn't.

what brings us to the gospel? is it love that motivates us? power? righteousness?

i want to be all the way present to this and am not sure how to be. people are so overwhelming right now that i want to throw up and never let them touch me again. it was a little better today, hanging out with part of the team at dinner tonight felt almost normal... angie and i danced around the table while we all talked and it was family again... and then i let vicky pray for me and i went to talk with teresa for a while. so i tried to be intentional. because it is not a good sign when your internal reflexes all scream run at the same time. but i know that is in my flesh and not my spirit. definitely not the spirit voice.

happened to turn back to my jimmy notes tonight and discover that they talked about the 1 samuel 15 passage, about how sacrifice is what i give to god of my own making, and obedience is my submission to his own making. he is way more interested in what he can do through me than what i can do myself. thank goodness.

i feel bad for not having talked to karen yet, but i have not been able to handle it yet. she wants me to take the job and i feel pretty good about saying no. but i have to get strong enough to have the conversation. forgive me, lord. and karen!

prayers for joe still, who is breathing on his own a little... and especially for a respite for ten days while mike and laurie are gone. clarity. and for susan as she returns. that her heart would be protected.

i am so afraid of being sick, of not being right. i am so afraid of going back down that spiral and not being able to control it. kitty would be pleased... here is that theme again. i want to be able myself to guard my mental stability... to be sure that i know what is happening and how and why and no one else is in control.

forgive me, father. because again i know that you love obedience more than sacrifice.