learning to breathe.

i know that i am scared of being crazy.

this has always been true. i have always been sensitive to the potential in me to be not quite stable and not quite right. and i hate it and rebel against it. i can prove i am in control.

all this week the depression has weighed on me. i think i had my first panic attack. and i woke up last night and could not breathe and i was so scared.

tonight i went to the service at st. david's... and i think god revealed the conflict to me and the purpose in this... am i so rebellious against being broken that it is right for me to bear this, that the glory of god might be revealed in my life? i am afraid of being crazy because it means i am not in control. it means i can't trust what is in my head, that i don't have right judgment or right discernment. non compos mentis: i am not competent.

which is the whole point. and i hate it. why am i so damn worried about being so competent and in control all the time? because it means that i can walk in my own understanding. it means that i can fix it, that i can see what's happening. if i am not competent, if i can't trust my own judgment, then i have no choice but believe that god will speak to me and obey his voice without hesitation. i have to know my place and acknowledge him in all my ways. because for me to have good judgment is not to have to trust in the lord with all of my heart.

forgive me, father, for the depths of my sin. you have burned the book of my rebellion - i know - but i am still so much in need.

if i have to be crazy, or depressed, or panicked, in order to know my weakness,
that you might be strong,
that i might know that my own understanding is not worth leaning on -
then let it be, god.

i love you - and i trust you.