angry tossing and turning.

i am trying to process what it is like to be back here and doing a really awful job at it. i don't understand what is wrong with me... why i can't even come home right. i feel right with the lord, and felt from the trip closer to him and more in touch with his heart and his purposes... and i think some part of me thought that because of that i would come home and things would just be easy to deal with, that i would be so captivated that i wouldn't really care. not so. instead it is more like my heart is changed and stuff that i was previously immune to or unaware of has become intolerable.

bryan complains at me about rachel and always comes back to how i should go to rachel or talk to rachel or give it to rachel, and i end up so frustrated. if he only knew what it was really like here, that she sat here to tell me i didn't know how to love and she didn't want it anyway, and how much contempt i always receive from her, and how she acts like she just wishes i wasn't here and am incompetent when i am. it grieves me. i tried to go to her in grace and still felt so rejected. and so i don't talk to him, because i can't take that from him, and he doesn't understand. i sit in traffic and sob and then in the bookstore and get a panic attack at the thought of people asking me how the trip was. i brush my teeth and start to cry over the water that afghan kids don't have. bryan calls me in heb and i just cry. and i go to teach elementary school kids latin, and feel like i am saved by the distraction. i watch all the things i thought i saw in trey just be wrong, and i question my judgment, and even once my sanity. and then i go home and take another nap, and then i wake up and look at the walls.

i don't want to be depressed again. i know this is irrational. i also am scared that something of this is about calling and the nations or whatever my vocation will be. and something of this is processing afghanistan in a delayed fashion. i realize the down side of my job and the way that i process: i already told all the stories to all of the people when i wrote the updates. so no one wants to hear me talk about them anymore... and i am still left unprocessed.

so how to press in? how not to settle for an immature love? the clear word on the trip was 1 samuel 15:22, it is better to obey than to sacrifice. so i will come back to that. better than what? to obey whom? how do you know? why do we sacrifice? why is loving obedience better? this is what i press into. what did i see? and why did it matter?

the sleeping pills are weighing on me. i keep going to sleep at night thinking tomorrow must be a better day.