leadership.

i realize that tonight i feel like i have no idea what it means to be a leader. my inner response is that maybe i am just not one... but what i discover that being a leader is *not* is just to be the one who does it when no one else will. and that is often what i am good at.

ron talks about how a good pastor is the one who helps you to learn to take hold of god for yourself. i think that's part of it. i think reminding people that they *can* do this is part of it. i think believing in the future is part of it, and holding on to it when they don't see it is part of it. i just don't know what to do on nights like tonight, when i really do feel like no one else cares what will happen, and that they think i lack faith or am just paranoid because i want the project to get finished and get finished well. i just don't know how i stir them up to want the result that we are aiming for, to be motivated and committed, without enforcing my own way or structure of doing things on to them.

oh, and i have the father of lies trying to speak to me in coffee shops that maybe i am bipolar.
i was talking to susan about how life has been lately and all my fears and experiences, and this weird guy came up and started quoting what i was saying and that he went to hope chapel and it could all be chemical and maybe i was just bipolar.
great. although i love the way my pastor responded to me and she was like, um, no, that is *not* god. she knew where i went with that from other experiences i have had with bipolar people, and she said, i know how that looks and you are not it.
creepy eyes on that one.

i know it's a lie... but i don't like that he (the one who lies) is even that close to me.

pour the blood of jesus over me.